Thread: Joke

DUSTY UNDERWEAR


One morning Ray took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.


"Donna," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in
my underwear?"



She shot back: "It's not talcum powder darling,

It's 'Miracle Grow'."

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'


One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'


To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'


The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal.

I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'


Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'


Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

Hey Andy - More please

Glad someones enjoying them Andy, will post another before i log off in an hour.

Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents

Prom Night was coming up, and a girl announced to her boyfriend that she wanted to make it special and take a hotel room for the night.

Being the responsible type, the boy went to the Pharmacy to purchase protection. The pharmacist was very helpful and guided the boy for about an hour and told him everything there was to know.

The boy came early to pick his girlfriend, and her Mother invited him to join them for dinner. When they sat down, the boy, looking to impress her parents, offered to say grace then bowed his head. A minute passed, and the boy was still deep in prayer...5 minutes passed, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 10 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leaned over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

keep them coming

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his
> chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
>
> 'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
>
> The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
> chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two
> old hens over in the corner?'
>
> The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'
>
> The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud . I will race you around
> the farmhouse, whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire
> chicken coop.'
>
> The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So,
> just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'
>
> The old rooster takes off running About 15 seconds later the young rooster
> takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farm-house
> and the young rooster has closed the gap.
>
> He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer,
> meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the
> roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he
> can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to
> bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
>
> 'Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month.'
>
> Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FA*TS - age, skill,
> wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance.

A magician works on a cruise ship and entertains the audience with his show. The only problem is that the captain’s parrot has figured out all his tricks and tells them during the show. “Aaarrr, it’s in his sleeve, it’s in his sleeve, Aaarrr” “Aaarrr, it’s under his hat, it’s under his hat, Aaarrr”


One night the parrot starts again to tell trick. The magician pulls out a gun and shoots at the parrot. The parrot dodged the bullet; it hit a propane tank and blew the ship into a million pieces. The only two survivors are the magician and the parrot floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean.


The parrot looks around, looks at the magician and say: “Aaarrr, ok, you got me. Where is the ship?”

Genie's Wish
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie replied.

"You know what, genie, maybe we can repay you by making one of YOUR wishes come true... what's your wish, genie?" the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

OK you asked for it so here's another.

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of romantically telling me this is not true, he
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: 'If you want your
breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them
for a few seconds every day'

Willing to try anything, I got a piece of toilet paper and stood in front
of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.. How long will this take?' I
asked. They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he said 'Worked for your bum, didn't it?'