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    Thread: Joke


    1. #11
      Andy Chapman
      Cowboy genie

      A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing theTexas plains
      without water.

      His horse has already died of thirst.

      He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last
      breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand
      several yards ahead of him.

      He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what
      looks to be an old brief case.

      He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
      She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.
      There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind
      one ear.

      Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three
      wishes."

      "I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an
      IRS genie."
      What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks
      like you're a goner anyway!"

      The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie
      is right.

      "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

      ***POOF***

      The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
      And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

      "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

      "My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

      ***POOF***

      The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
      gold coins and precious gems.

      "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good
      one!"

      After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no
      matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

      ***POOF***

      He turned into a tampon.


      The moral of the story:

      If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string
      attached.

    2. Moneycorp - Commercial foreign exchange since 1979
    3. #12

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      Andy is on a distinguished road
      Quote Originally Posted by sheena View Post
      very good!!! keep giving us more! need a good laugh!!

      sheena
      ONE FOR THE LADIES

      This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day.
      BREAKFAST


      • 1 Grapefruit
      • 1 slice whole-wheat toast
      • 1 cup skim milk
      LUNCH


      • 1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach1 cup herbal tea
      • 1 Penguin Biscuit
      AFTERNOON TEA


      • The rest of the Penguins from the packet
      • 1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping
      DINNER


      • 4 bottles of wine (red or white)
      • 2 loaves garlic bread
      • 1 family size Supreme pizza
      • 3 snickers bars
      LATE NIGHT SNACK


      • 1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
      REMEMBER:
      'Stressed' spelled backwards is desserts'
      Send this to four women and you will lose two kilograms
      Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew) and you will
      lose 10kgs
      IF you delete this message you will gain 10 kgs
      Here's some advice for you:

      Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
      So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving this house morning, I finished off a bottle of Pinot, a bottle of Cardonay , a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of Pinqeuns, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax a cholates.



      Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.




      ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    4. #13
      Andy Chapman
      Thursdays Joke of the day. Also posted this one on the POMS Forum.

      Old Wedding

      An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

      They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

      "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

      "Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I’d have to say I would like it infrequently.

      "The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two words?"

    5. #14
      Andy Chapman
      I have been sent most of them from other jokers like myself who like a good laugh Sheena and also i belong to a joke Forum who sent me 2 Jokes a week, some are abit too dirty and i don't know how far i can push it here, so i'm playing safe and only posting the clean ones.

      It's nice to make people smile and better to make them laugh, it makes me feel good to know iv'e bought a little happiness into someones life.

    6. #15
      Tim
      Tim is offline

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      Now this is one of the funniest videos I have seen on You Tube, Every time I watch it it just gets better (You Need Sound): -



    7. #16
      Tim
      Tim is offline

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      Hi Sheena,

      I am just.. must cut down on the red vino tho!

    8. #17
      Andy Chapman
      Quote Originally Posted by Tim View Post
      Now this is one of the funniest videos I have seen on You Tube, Every time I watch it it just gets better (You Need Sound): -


      Oh thats a shame i have no sound on my computer so will miss out

    9. #18
      Andy Chapman
      Thanks Jayne, just watched it, yeah very funny.

    10. #19
      Andy Chapman
      Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

      Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her blouse and bra... Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

      At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

      At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her blouse and bra.. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was Offshore.'



      Mummy fainted!





      Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt

    11. #20
      Andy Chapman
      There are some seriously thick people in the world, read to some of these and you'll find out why:goofy:

      Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

      Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

      "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

      "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

      "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

      "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

      "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

      "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a [bleep], and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.

      "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

      "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

      "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

      "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca

      "The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

      "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

      "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

      "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP

      "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

      "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

     

     
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