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    Thread: Joke


    1. #21
      Andy Chapman
      Thanks Sheena, i'll try to post a joke quite regular if & when i remember to.:idea:

    2. Moneycorp - Commercial foreign exchange since 1979
    3. #22
      Andy Chapman
      Yes Jayne Only in America.

      Flower Show


      Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
      One leaned over and said, "Life is so damned boring. We never have any fun anymore.

      For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid
      flower show!"

      "You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

      As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way
      out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through
      the front door of the flower show.

      Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion
      inside the hall, followed by loud applause.
      The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering
      crowd.

      "What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
      "I won first prize as Best Dried Arrangement!.
      Last edited by Andy Chapman; 04-08-2008 at 11:36 AM.

    4. #23
      Andy Chapman
      Cowboy Boots

      Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!

      Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help & she could see why.

      Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the 2nd boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

      She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

      He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

      She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

      No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

      Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

      Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"

      He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

      Her trial starts next month . .

    5. #24
      Andy Chapman

      Beetle

      Haircut


      WOMEN'S VERSION

      CATHY : Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

      LISA : Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

      CATHY : Oh no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

      LISA : Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts, that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

      CATHY : Oh, that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

      LISA : Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.



      MEN'S VERSION


      PETE : Haircut?

      DAVE : Yeah!

    6. #25
      Andy Chapman
      The New Baby

      With all the new fertility technology , a 66 year old woman was recently able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

      "May we see the new baby?" one asked.

      "Not yet," said the mother, who decided to have a little of her own fun with the relatives. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first."

      Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

      "No, not yet," said the mother.

      After a few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

      "No, not yet," replied the mother.

      Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

      "When it cries!" she told them.

      "When it cries??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES?"

      "Because I forgot where I put it..."

    7. #26
      Andy Chapman
      Here's today's joke albeit a little raunchy

      For all the taxpayers :

      The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue.

      The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

      "Yes," answered the Rabbi.

      "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?"he asked.

      "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

      "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...

      "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

      "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

      "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

      "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions? "

      "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue Service."

      "Internal Revenue Service?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.

      "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service. And about once a year, they send us a little p***k like you."
      Last edited by Andy Chapman; 09-08-2008 at 08:39 AM.

    8. #27
      Andy Chapman
      Nice one Jayne

      A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire
      him until he passes a little maths test.
      "Here's your first question, the foreman said.
      "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

      "Without numbers?" the Cajun says, "Dat is easy,"
      and proceeds to draw three trees.

      "What's this?" the boss asks.

      "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make
      nine," says the Cajun.

      "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second
      question. Use the same rules, but this time the
      number is 99."

      The Cajun stares into space for awhile, then picks up
      the picture that he has just drawn and makes a
      smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

      The boss scratches his head and says,"How on earth
      do you get that to represent 99?"

      "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and
      dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

      The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually
      have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "all right, last
      question. Same rules again, but represent the
      number 100."

      The Cajun stares into space some more, then he
      picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at
      the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One
      hundred."

      The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if
      you think that represents a hundred!"

      The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at
      the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came
      along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty
      tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree
      and a turd, which makes one hundred.....
      So, when do i start???

    9. #28

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      Quote Originally Posted by Jayne View Post
      Australian sense of Humour


      > 'Hello, is this the police?'
      > 'Yes it is. How can we help you?'
      > 'I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding
      > Cocaine
      > inside his firewood!'
      > 'Thank you very much for the call.'
      > The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great
      > numbers.
      > They search the house and then go out to the shed where the
      > firewood is
      > kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but
      > they find no
      > cocaine.
      > They swear at Wazza and leave.
      > The phone rings at Wazza's house. 'Hey, Wazz, Did the cops
      > come?'
      > 'Yeah!'
      > 'Did they chop up your firewood?'
      > 'Yep.'
      > 'Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate
      Nice one Jayne :policeman::policeman: and Andy Chap - Very impressed with the link from dirty trees to firewood

      Regards Andy
      Last edited by Andy; 10-08-2008 at 08:17 PM. Reason: none

    10. #29
      Andy Chapman
      Cheers Andy, and a nice one Jayne, here's todays joke.

      Paul tries to take his friend hunting, but when they get to his favorite hunting spot, they find “No Trespassing” signs everywhere. Paul tells his friend to wait in the car and walks up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer answers the door, and Paul says, "Sir, I’ve hunted on this property all my life, but now I notice you have a bunch of signs up. I wanted to see if it was still OK for me to hunt here."

      The farmer scratches his chin for a bit and says, "I’ll make you a deal. We’ve got this cow out back that we have to kill for food, but we’ve grown too attached to it. If you go out back and shoot my cow, I’ll let you hunt on my property."

      Walking back to the car, Paul decides to play a joke on his friend. "That old bastard won’t let us hunt on his property," he tells him. "I’m going to shoot his cow!" He then walks over to the side of the house and-BLAM!

      Suddenly two more shots ring out behind him, and his friend runs up, yelling, "I got the cat and dog too! Let’s get the hell out of here!"

    11. #30
      Andy Chapman
      Jayne Jayne it's only a joke, it wasn't a true story honest

     

     
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