Thread: Joke

A guy ended up with an older woman at a club one night.

She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and he found himself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

They drank a bit, and they had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if he'd ever
had a Sportsman's Double?

'What's that? He asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

As his mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what this daughter of
hers might look like, he said,

'No, I haven't.'

They drank a bit more, and then she said with a wink; tonight's your lucky
night.'

They went back to her place.

They walked in.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
*
*
*
*
*
'Mom, you still awake?'

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hotdog,popcorn,all the Coke she could drink, and her favourite lolly and M&M's. What fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well,Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you idiot" The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

Another good one Andy, keep em coming

Religious Bear
***********

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.

The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"

The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...."


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Scared Dad

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.

The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes,
he hides underneath the bed."

The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so
scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with
the lady next door."


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Hope there's no kids on here to read this joke, just a little dirty.

Diagnosis

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better

Very amusing

One day a proud Geordie decided to wash his replica football shirt
Seconds after opening the washing machine he shouted to his wife
“What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends” she calls back “what does it say on the shirt?”
“Newcastle” he shouts back

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously he goes to hell,
where the Devil is waiting for him.
'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but
I have no room for you.
As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let
someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll
even let you decide who leaves.'
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The Devil
opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of
hot water.
He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and
don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the
hammer, time after time.
No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.' commented George.
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton
lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs
staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally
said 'Yeah, I can handle this.'
The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to go!'


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