Thread: Joke for today

IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND
I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.


THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.

THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT
WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS
PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT
ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING
MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT T HE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP
AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK,. SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING
WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC
FOOTSTEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL
HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER
YEARS OF TORTURE, SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD..

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED
UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED
HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.

HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.

'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT,
AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.'

BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN..'


Have a fantastic day

Andy + Team

Originally Posted by Jayne

Andy that was funny!

Hi Jayne, Sheena and everyone else

My last windy joke ever on britsabroad - enjoy






Buying a fishing line







A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.

She says, Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a two meter Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 5-kg.
test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this Week for $44.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
I'll take it!'

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the
floor.'Oh, That sounds like a Visa card, says the
salesman.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman
could tell it was she who had farted.

The salesman rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $58.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
'Didn't You tell me it was on sale for $44? How did you get to $58.50?'

'The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50.'

Originally Posted by Jayne

Very good Andy, loved it..........why do you say it's your last one though? Not leaving us are you?????

No not leaving its just two wind motivated, pumpy, farty jokes on the run might give you all the wrong impression LOL he he ha ha

Originally Posted by Jayne

NEVER,

NEVER,

NEVER,

NEVER,

NEVER,

NEVER,

NEVER,

NEVER,

NEVER,

NEVER,

EVER...

[...fart in a wet suit!

Jayne they same applies for boiler suits, unfortunatly I found this out in my early days,:no: Andy I did like the turkey gizzard joke, the picture and thoughts that come to mind are absolutly mind boggling.
I have hear many a good joke over the years but I have one of those minds that seem to have a joke black spot, never mind.

Toodle Pip

OK just one more pumpy farty type joke - Have a great day



A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.



The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'



Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.



'That's very good!' replied the interviewer.

'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.



'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.'

He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.


'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'



The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.



Turning to BUBBA, the fourth; and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three Answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh-t my pants.' BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!



You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on!...

Regards to all - Andy + team