Official Joke Thread

[Aldo]

Chicken and egg walk into a bar, barman says "Right, who's first?"

[Aldo]

Alec had been working in the city for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Western Australia as far from civilisation as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation there's a knock at the door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Kev, I'm your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a party Friday night. Thought you might like to come..." "Great!" says Alec "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you".
As Kev is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. There'll be some drinking". "Not a problem" says Alec. "After 25 years in the city, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n" likely gonna be some fighting too." "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex too." "Now that's really not a problem" says Alec, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" "Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

[Aldo]

what do you call a Spanish man with rubber toes?

Roberto

[yummybrummy]

More please Aldo. More!!

[yummybrummy]

Right I got one. Heard this about 3 months ago and still tickles me now......

Teacher started work in a kindergarten and decided she would eliminate as much as possible kids using babyish words instead of adult words.

Monday morning approaches and she asks Lucy what she did for the weekend...... 'Miss, I stayed with my Nana for the weekend'. No, you must use grown up words and say Grandma, not Nana.

She turned to Steve and asked him the same question.........'Miss, my dad took me to a fun fair and I rode on the choo choos'. No, you must use grown up words and say train, not choo choo.

Billy, shot his hand in the air hoping teacher would ask him the same question which she did........... 'Miss, I read a book this weekend' 'Oh' teacher replied, 'which one'. Billy stood up from his chair, strut his chest out proudly with a big grin on his face and said

Wait for it.................




'WINNIE THE ****'

[yummybrummy]

Damn it's removed the word but hope you can all guess what it was - it rhymes with 'hit'

[purple]

You might be a redneck if... you think an optimist is an eye doctor.

[yummybrummy]

Aldo, do they have to be clean jokes?

[Aldo]

no dirty jokes are fine as long as they don't involve boss eyed people.

[yummybrummy]

*Men's Pearls of Wisdom*

*1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big penis or a good memory. I don't remember what I chose.*

*2. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.*

*3. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'*

*4. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.*

*5. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.*

*6. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.*

*7. Virginity can be cured.*

*8. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.*

*9. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.*

*10. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

*11.Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.*

*12. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.*

*13. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......*

*14. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man*s life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.*

*15. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes.*

*16. Despite the old saying, ' Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!*