Official Joke Thread

[yummybrummy]

Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"



"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."





After abrief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down onthetable, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."






A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on andranaround screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on thedresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scaredandhe jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I
guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***


Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? . . . Is this 486-5731?"

[yummybrummy]

This is so funny, be careful what you ask God for. A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: 'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. ' God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman... He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, Awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, Fed them breakfast, Packed their lunches, Drove them to school, Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, Took it to the cleaners And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, Went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.. Then, it was already 1 P.M. And he hurried to make the beds, Do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, And sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, He cleaned the kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry, Bathed the kids, And put them to bed. At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: - Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, Oh! Please, let us trade back... Amen!' The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: 'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.' This has been voted Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year! If you agree, send it to all your friends who would enjoy this!!!!

[yummybrummy]

Good luck to all with reading the above post

[yummybrummy]

IF YOU MARRY A Scottish GIRL

The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she
was to do the dishes and house cleaning.. It took a couple of days, but on
the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put
away.

The second man married a woman from Poland . He gave his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The
first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By
the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was
a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Scottland . He ordered her to keep
the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals
on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the
second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the
swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm
was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the
dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

[yummybrummy]

McTavish a Scotsman and lover of the drink, ...especialy fine Scotch whiskey has dropped in on his old friend, Paddy, an Irishman of the same inclination, ...though of course prefering Irish whiskey.
After and hours chat, McTavish allows he must be going...
"Och & damn ,"says Paddy, "I have forgotten me manners... now before ye go off, ye'll be havin' a wee dram with me, won't you?"
"Ah..weel, since ye ask, I winna say no," nods McTavish.
So Paddy gets a bottle of Connemara Single Malt from the shelf,
pours some into a glass, adds some water and hands it to McTavish.
McTavish sips at the drink, runs his tongue around his lips...
takes another sip and stares at the glass as if comtemplating it.
"So..how is the drink?", asks Paddy.
"Ah,it's fine... fine...", replies McTavish, taking a third, tentative sip.
"But, I dinna see the smile o' a man enjoying good Irish whisky," says Paddy..."...the drink... is it not to yer likin'?"
"No, no... it's fine," repeats McTavish, "I do have one wee question, though... when ye poured the drink, did ye put in the whisky, or the water first?"
"Why, ye were right here... ye know full weel I poured the whisky first!"
"Ah," says McTavish, nodding "...good...I'll be comin' to it soon then!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the feckin thing up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy is passing by Mick's barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right rubber boot, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .
Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.
'What on earth are you doing Mick' says Paddy
'Jayzuz Paddy, ye frightened the livin' ****e out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Mick. 'Me and the missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irishman moved into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry. He walks into the local pub orders three pints of Guiness, takes them to a table and proceeds to drink them taking his time. He repeats this two times and then leaves the pub.
A few nights later he returns to the pub, orders three pints of Guinness, takes them to a table and drinks them taking his time. He repeats this two times and leaves the pub. He continues this for several weeks. Soon the entire town is talking about the "Three Pint Man."
Finally, one day the pub owner on behalf of the entire town broaches the subject to the man. "I don't mean to pry, but folks are quite curious why you order three pints each time you come in."
The man replied, "I have two brothers - one in America and one in Australia. When we parted ways we all promised that each time we had a drink, we would order an extra two pints as a way of keeping up with each other."
The pub owner and the entire town thought this was wonderful and were pleased that the brothers meant so much to each other. "The Three Pint Man" became a celebrity not only to the town but to the surrounding area.
One day the man came into the pub and orders only two pints of Guinness. The pub owner poured them with a heavy heart knowing in his soul that something dreadful must have happened. The news spreads around town and people are offering prays for the "Three Pint Man."
This went on for a few weeks and the pub owner says to the man, "I want to offer our condolences due to the death of your brother. We are all heart broken."
The man gave him a quizical look, and the bartender explained " You know the two pints and all."
The man ponders this for a few minutes, smiles with realization and replies, "You'll be glad to hear that my brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up Guinness for Lent."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three Irishmen, drunk as can be, come staggering down the street singing Danny Boy at the top of their lungs. They stop in front of Flaherty's house still singing.
After a few minutes the window flies open and Mrs. Flaherty yells out, "Why don't you drunken sots go somewhere else!"
"Are you Mrs. Flaherty?" asks one of the drunks.
"You know dam well I am," she says.
"Well, can you tell us which one of us is your husband so the other two of us can go home?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How did the Irish Jig get started? Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the Irish newleyweds who sat up all night waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy visited his parents the day after his wedding.
His father took him aside and asked, "How did it go last night, son?"
Paddy winked and elbowed his dad. "Gee, great. You know, the way she was acting, I think I could have screwed her."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.
"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive."
The physician dressed quickly; but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again. "You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They're making a new XXX movie.
It's about an anorexic Irish prostitute who hops from bed to bed.
Her name's Tramp O'Lean.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Ya know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks, he will buy the fifth drink for you."
"Well" said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true.
"Well," asked the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"No, not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "...but it did happen to me sister."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Murphy said to his daughter, "I want you home by eleven o'clock."
She said, "But Father, I'm no longer a child!"
He said, "I know, that's why I want you home by eleven."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maureen O'Murrah had taken a Manhattan taxi home from work, since both of the ladies she usually carpooled with had taken sick. In the confusion of the short-handed office staff, and hurrying downstairs to meet the cab, she had left her purse behind. As the cab pulled up to her apartment building, she was looking about the seat for her purse when the driver told her the price of her ride.
In great embarrassment, she said, "Ach. I'm not believin' I did this, Sir, but me purse isn't here. I must have left behind. I'm sorry, but I'm not havin' the money to pay you just now."
The driver was... well, he was a Manhattan taxi driver. He said, "That's all right Missy, I'll just pull down into that dark street ahead, and get back there with you, and I'll just take your panties off."
Maureen chuckled, and said "Shure, an' it's the poor end of the trade that you'll be gettin'. These panties only cost eighty-nine cents."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the Irish gay couple? Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guinness
http://www.chow.com/stories/10971
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
---
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
---
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your f***ing plane!"
---
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.
---
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".
---
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says "You know what I want, don't you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"
---
Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?
A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
---
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U...S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
---
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.
A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"
---
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"
---
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
---
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London!"

[ophidian]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, pink, blue, yellow, purple.

The old man just stared. The young man said, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life? The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son ! "

[yummybrummy]

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.





He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.





While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names'.



The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago ,and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old bitch what her name is.’

[Aldo]

Just saw a bloke in town playing dancing queen on a didgeridoo. I thought, that's aboriginal.

[Aldo]

Good News for St.Patricks Day. Historians have found old book ‘Irish Dancing Part 2’ - ‘What to do with your arms'